Friday, December 26, 2008

Shoeless in Iraq

As everyone knows, George Bush was attacked by an Iraqi journalist toting two lethal shoes. How the man, Al-Zeidi, was able to smuggle those shoes into the press conference is still under investigation, however authorities suspect that he might have done so by a method known to many as "wearing the shoes". Apparently, he did not have to enter the room through airport security.

In an official statement issued by the Iraqi government, Al-Zeidi stated that the attack was planned by the infamous terrorist, Al-Maliki. Al-Zeidi's family is claiming that his confession was coerced. One would tend to believe Al-Zeidi's family, as one would have to wonder exactly how much planning would be necessary in order to throw a pair of shoes halfway across a room at a nearly 6' tall man. However, according to the new Iraqi government, this was a planned and unnerving attack.

Really, people, we need to take this very seriously.

Apparently, during the elaborate planning of the attack, Al-Maliki and Al-Zeidi debated the best type of shoe for the attack. First discussed was the use of military boots. However, Al-Zeidi decided against using his boots for that purpose. When asked why, Al-Zeidi responded, "No... these boots were made for walking."

Stilettos were discussed as well, however, neither Al-Maliki nor Al-Zeidi could produce a dress that matched. Sandals were considered too flimsy and unable to cause enough damage. Flip flops? Pahh. Those aren't even shoes!

See. This attack did take some planning.

Where will this all lead? Well, according to top secret sources, there is a joint effort between the Iraqi government and the CIA to find this new cell of terrorists, known now as the "Slipper Cell", equal in infamy only to the "Loafer Cell", which was a threat earlier, but due to a lazy disposition, they never actually achieved any of their goals. Neither cell is as dangerous as the "Stiletto Cell", which is made up of pure young women willing to die in order for their soles to enter into the highest level of heaven, also known in fashion circles as "Paris".

With fashion implications like these, it's easy to assess that this cell most certainly has ties to Italy.

One of the scariest aspects of this attack is the availability of weapons. Once upon a time, shoes were a pricier purchase, but now these weapons can be bought almost anywhere, and authorities believe that this greater availability will only exacerbate the threat. As such, additional security will now be added to stores such as Payless, Walmart and Target. There is also talk about having security clearance before purchase, and a 24 hour waiting period placed on anyone after choosing which shoes they decide to buy. Needless to say, many impecunious husbands are applauding this measure.

In the meantime, people must be willing to express some type of pride and patriotism at the agility of our out-going president. Boy, can he duck. Obviously, that was never considered in the original planning of the attack.

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