Attack of the Killer Computers!

Just when you thought it was safe to be in your own home, you learn that a silent new killer has entered. Not carbon dioxide. Not carcinogens. Not your feisty little dog.

Your computer!

Studies are now showing that your computer is currently 7 times more likely to attack you than it was 13 years ago. I know that it looks innocent, but, really, it's just trying to look that way. Certainly, you've felt as though someone, something, was standing behind you just waiting for the right moment? Now you know!

And with the increase of laptops, the danger can only grow.

Since we don't have enough studies in America, new studies are being done daily on this new menace. The latest notes that between 1994 and 2006 some 78,000 people were treated in hospitals for computer related injuries. What's even more shocking is that computers are attacking now at an increased rate of 732% .

Obviously, the intent to harm is growing daily, and something must be done about this.

Enter Dr. Laura Mackenzie, of Nationwide Children's Hospital. She states, "Future research on acute computer-related injuries is needed as this ubiquitous product becomes more intertwined in our everyday lives."

She's a doctor, so can't possibly be wrong about this. And, she's a doctor who works for an insurance company, so she doesn't have a vested interest in seeing less people attacked by their computers.

I agree. I mean the increase could have nothing to do with 1) the increase in the number of personal computers and 2) the vast amounts of cords that hang out the back of a computer causing people to trip or pull the computer onto their heads or 3) the nature of humans to set their laptops on precarious ledges believing that they would never fall off.

We need to study this issue. Maybe there is stimulus money available.

In an effort to protect our nation's children from this hideous monster (and to help Dr. MacKenzie keep Nationwide's premiums down on their homeowner's insurance), I would like to propose this plan to keep our children safe:

1) Have your child wear a helmet at all times. All times. Even in the bath. Don't forget bed at night. You never know when a computer can fall on you.

2) Teach your child how to approach your computer. Many people fail at this one. They think that you should approach from the side and stick out your hand for your computer to smell. This is simply a fallacy. That is likely to tell your computer that you have aggressive intent. Instead, let your computer come to you. And never, never make eye contact with your computer. If that happens teach your child to continue staring until the computer looks away.

3) If you leave your children alone at home, make sure that they understand to never open the door when a strange computer is knocking. Explain to them that all computers look similar and that one at the door is not related to the one on your desk, even if he claims he is.

4) Consider purchasing a locking device for your computer.

5) Consider purchasing a locking device for your child.

6) Remember: Computers and Guns Don't Mix. At best your child might kill your computer with his gun and then you've got a homicide on your hands. At worst, your computer might.... unthinkable.

7) Keep all alcoholic beverages away from your computer. Saucy computers are even more dangerous than sober ones. However, you might want to consider offering it a cup of wine in the evening, as a sort of peace offering.

8) Know and be willing to recognize the signs of drug usage in your computer. Is it slow? Does it get jammed up easily? If you don't happen to have Windows XP and this is happening consider random drug testing.

9) Know your computer. The best way to fight computer aggression is to have a good healthy relationship. Have you ever stopped to ask yourself just what sites the computer really wants to visit? And, how does your computer feel about "Net Nanny"? Would you want someone monitoring you all the time? And, all those boring emails -- your computer has to read those too! Consider a date night, or include it in family game night. Computers have feelings too, you know.

10) Don't ever give your computer the keys to the car. This only empowers them and gives them a sense of control that they can't handle. Plus, they probably aren't covered by your insurance.

By following these simple steps, I believe that you can protect yourself and your family from this ever increasing threat.

Now, maybe someone will give me some stimulus money for solving this problem for America!