Friday, November 2, 2007

Stealing Candy from Small Children and Other Crazy Ideas

No, this is not his costume, and we really didn't use photoshop to do this. This is just the kind of crazy I commonly find in my home. While life brings out this kind of craziness in our son, the change in season (perhaps the holiday or moon phases?) brings out a different type of craziness in people all around the world. Reading the paper always points that out

Apparently, yesterday, a fellow Cincinnatian fell to a remarkably low depth. A 21-year-old man helped his cousins steal some kid's Halloween candy.

Nothing like a great role model! (And he is nothing like one!)

What is really amazing is that after they stole the candy, they continued trick-or-treating in the same neighborhood. So, within the evening, the victim pointed the burglars out to the police. Voila! An arrest!

Now this man is facing a felony charge (with a $5000 bail). His lawyer argued that stealing a little bit of candy was hardly cause for a felony. The judge's response was priceless:

"Depends on what kind of candy it is."

I was wondering just how stupid someone would have to be in order to steal candy from a kid, and then to stay in the same neighborhood. Pretty stupid. In fact, I can only think of one other time I have come into contact with this manner of reckless behavior, and I have to wonder, since this happened in Price Hill, if this man is related to a man I lived near in Clifton. It can't be the same man because he's too young. Perhaps its his son.... but either way, it reminded me of a time a long time ago.

It was a nice spring day and as I drank my morning cup of coffee, I sat next to my opened kitchen window. As I sipped, I heard yelling coming from the street. I walked out onto my balcony just in time to see two men arguing.

"Come on!" The first man yelled, "Hit me again! Do it, you know you want to!"

The second man paused, sure it was a trap. Then he looked around, and seeing no set up, walloped the first man in the gut. Man #1 fell to the ground, curled up into the fetal position. He yelled after the second man as he ran off.

"I got you! I sure did! Sure you hit me twice, but that second time, it was in the street, on public property, so now I can tell the police!"

I stood on my porch and pondered the wisdom of that. Deciding there was no wisdom in it, I started back into my apartment. But man #1 saw me and yelled up to me.

"Did you see that!?" Shucks. I did.


"He was mad at me because I never paid last months rent. So, yesterday he told me to leave. I went to work last night and when I came home just now, I found out he burned all my clothes."

I was speechless over this little bit of domestic violence right in my own backyard! Clifton is such an entertaining place to live. I really do miss it.

The man went on.

"So I yelled at him about it and he told me that he burned my clothes 'cause they were supposed to be out of his house by now. I yelled and he yelled, and then he told me to leave. I told him I wouldn't leave because it was my place too. He told me it wasn't my place because I didn't pay any rent. "

"Can you imagine that!" I responded.

"Crazy man!" He replied, " So, he punched me!"

Commiserating with my new friend, I expressed deep moral outrage towards his former roommate. So, he continued his tale. I was glad by then, because this was so good that you can't even make something like this up!

"Well, he did get me, but I knew then what I needed to do! I knew that he could punch me all he wanted in our house, but that if I stepped onto public property and he punched me then the police would come."

"Really?" I was speechless. "Ingenious plan! It looks like he fell for it!"

"He did," the man laughed and then grabbed his side, "I got him."

Suddenly, I heard sirens.

"Police?" I questioned.

"Oh no. That's probably the fire department."

"The fire department?"

"Ya, remember -- he burned my clothes. So, I called the fire department." He smiled triumphantly.

"Yikes, is the house on fire???" I asked, for his house was dangerously close to mine.

"Oh, no, the fire from burning the clothes was out long ago, but I thought the fire department should know about it."

"hhhmmm, well, I better let you go tell your story to the firemen."

"Ya, they'll want to hear all about it, I'm sure."

"Ohh, don't forget to tell them the part about the second punch. It's too important to skip."

At any rate, they did manage to get their situation straightened out, so I'm sure that the 21-year-old who stole candy (on a night where he could get free candy anywhere he wanted) from the little kid will get his straightened out as well.

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