The Not-so-Bitter Adoptive Mom's Wish List

The other day I received an email that linked me to a list of what I thought was a very funny wish list written by a fellow homeschooler. (There is a link to it on the right hand side of the web page.) While I did enjoy the list, I have to admit that homeschooling is the least of our uniqueness that draws attention. So, I decided to write my own list that addressed our family's situation.

The Not-So-Bitter Adoptive Mom's Wish-I-Could-Respond-With-List:

1) Yes, they are all my children, and, yes, they all have the same father. Unless he has something to confess to me.

2) Yes, she is mine even though she's Asian. You might be surprised to know, but when two Anglo-German-Scottish Americans (with just a smidgen of native thrown in) produce children, they occasionally will produce an Asian looking child.

3) No, they don't speak Russian in China. She isn't Chinese. China is only 1 country in Asia. There are many languages. It's a diverse continent. You can learn more about Asia at your local library.

4) No, I'm not a saint. If you knew what I was thinking while you are going on about what a saint I am, you would certainly know that I'm not a saint.

5) No, there is nothing special about me. Who wouldn't want children as beautiful, loving and intelligent as mine? Unless, of course, you're subtly trying to tell me that my children aren't beautiful, loving and intelligent.

6) No, there is nothing to pity here. There are worse things than missing a limb, and you might want to notice (as you go on about what a pity disabilities are ) that my daughter is dancing circles around you and is happy as dog getting its belly rubbed.

7) No, she's not special because of her disabilities. She's special because she's made in the image of God. So are you, but if you don't drop the "special thing" I'm going to start to doubt that.

8) Yes, my children can hear you when you ask personal questions such as "Did her real parents not want her because she' s so messed up?" They're pretty smart (probably smarter than you considering your questions) and it really is lame that you're dropping pretty negative images into their minds.

9) No, you didn't do this adoption thing, and, boy, am I glad. I don't want anybody else to have my kids but me.

10) No, you probably couldn't do this. But there are other things you can do that I wouldn't be caught dead doing but I don't point this out in public. Perhaps I should, and then you wouldn't be so bold as to go on about how "I could never do what you do!"

11) There's nothing wrong with her. I have no idea what you're talking about. She's perfect the way she is.

12) She's missing an ARM?? OH MY! I HAD NO IDEA! I tell ya, these kids just can't keep track of anything!!!!

Little Soso, False Brothers and Two Confused Moms

Well, totally changing gears here, I've finished reading about William Wilberforce and am now reading about a book entitled "Young Stalin." by Simon Sebeg Montefiore. I have no idea why I have such a fascination with reading about the lives of evil dictators, but I guess it does convince me that no matter how many parenting mistakes I make, I am not producing 5 megalomaniac terrorists. On some days, that thought is very comforting.

Anyway, it's interesting to read about Stalin (affectionately -- yes, I guess there is always at least one affectionate person in every body's life-- called Soso) growing up in the Republic of Georgia.

Stalin was born to a mother whom the author often describes as "popular with men". If you couple that with the fact that there were several men who were possible candidates for being his "real" father, you get the idea of who the first confused mom is in this blog entry. His mom, Keke, married a cobbler named Beso. At first Keke and Beso had a pretty decent life, but after losing 2 children to small pox, Beso began to drink and Keke became obsessed about their youngest son, Soso. Their home revolved around him, and as Beso's alcoholism grew worse, the home grew even more violent.

Now, none of that was really a surprise, because no one expected that a man that would systematically starve millions of Ukrainians (among other human rights atrocities) would come from a loving supportive family. But what really threw me for a loop was not just the dysfunction of his family, but the dysfunction of that part of the world!

Stalin grew up in the town of Gori, in the Republic of Georgia. Far from anywhere substantial, Gori had its own sort of power structure (which Stalin's mom seemed to be quite friendly with), and it's own bizarre culture. By bizarre, I refer to two things:

1) "Goreli Fighting Traditions" (town brawls, wrestling, and gang-warfare)
2) Priests that drank alcohol like it was spring water found in a desert, and then participated in the "Goreli Fighting Traditions"

After Beso's first drinking partner died from alcohol, he picked up a new one: their priest. Every day Beso and his priest would get so drunk that Beso couldn't stand, let alone work. Eventually, he was run out of town (making me think that Gori was not too unlike the American West), and all the men got drunk without him.

Now, people make mistakes, and priests become alcoholics. Life happens, I get that. But Beso and his Drinking Priest Friend, weren't the only ones. ALL the priests were getting drunk with the towns people. ALL the priests were fighting with the towns people. And, ALL the priests were creating much more than papers on theology (with the town's women)! All of them!

Here's a description of one festival:

The males in each family, from children upwards, also paraded, drinking wine and singing until night fell, when the real fun began. The "assault of free boxing" -- the sport of krivi -- was a "mass duel with rules"; boys of three wrestled other three-year-olds, then children fought together, then teenagers and finally the men threw themselves into "an incredible battle," by which time the town was completely out of control, a state that lasted into the following day -- even at school, where classes fought classes.

Interesting, isn't it? It puts a whole new spin on "community get together."

"Soso, do you have your mouth guard? We're having a neighborhood cookout tonight! Wouldn't want you to have to have your dental work redone!"

"Yes, mother, I got it. Sure wouldn't want to miss this chance to destroy Egnatashvili's face. Plus, these get togethers are great training for my future career as evil communist leader and thug."

It is just astounding that the spiritual leaders of the day were actually acting as the leaders of such totally and completely barbaric behavior! I understand that they were using the church as a political power structure, and that they were really not committed to their faith, but one would have to think that they would occasionally glance through a Bible and have maybe just the slightest twinge of guilt about decking someone they just baptized a few days earlier!

But, this was the culture they were immersed in, and there was no one, at least to my knowledge, to point out these enormous cultural sins and how it had leaked into the church. So, these citywide brawls-for-fun just became normal.

This, of course, led me to think about what has become normal to me. This especially because I happened to be reading in Galatians this week, and was thinking about Paul's "false brothers [that] had infiltrated our ranks to spy on the freedom we have in Christ Jesus and to make us slaves". The teaching those "false brothers" were pushing was a teaching that grew out of the normalcy of the culture. So,I began to wonder what things I take as part of God's truth that isn't, what is part of everyday life to me, but would be odd for someone else, perhaps a Christian in rural China. Would these things I see as normal make her think I was crazy?

Normal for me:

1) Seeing prosthetic limbs lying around the house.
2) Telling someone to "put on your leg and head out the door."
3) Naked 3-year-olds racing around, followed by 10 year-olds horrified by that sight
4) Children debating such things as "disco really was an ancient Greek sport" (perhaps she meant "discus"?)
5) A small plastic dinosaur that was lynched in our front yard tree over a year ago, but who's body hangs there as a grim reminder that those who don't obey their master might have to pay.

Of course, there are other things that have become normal for me as well:

Having a large wardrobe, owning two vehicles, not worrying that we'll run out of food, being warm in winter and comfortable in summer, and knowing that God will be there for me no matter how much I choose to pay attention to Him in a given day.

So, these things that are normal, they aren't all bad, of course, but they start to cloud my thoughts and shade my version of reality. In fact, as Paul writes to the Galatians, "I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you by the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel -- which is really no gospel at all." I have to admit that for me it is really easy to forget what the gospel is.

What is the gospel that we are trying to proclaim? If I base my answer on the loudest voices I hear coming from the church in America, I would have to say that the answer is:

1) Creationism
2) Marriage and Family
3) Faith and Prosperity
4) Civil Religion

Wow. None of those things can even match with the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, but somehow they always work their way into my life. Especially prosperity, as it it just always seems like life would be better with a little more.

So, I'm left a bit confused (I'm the second Mom in the blog title), but that's not that unusual for me. And, I realize just how unpopular my thoughts probably are, but as Paul said, "If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."

The Difference One Year Can Make!

One year ago this week, we traveled to Ukraine and met our youngest daughter for the first time. She was living in an orphanage, where she had been, essentially, since her birth. She was quiet, unattached, sad, angry, occasionally willing to show us her real personality.





This is her one year later.....





I think this video says it all!

Stealing Candy from Small Children and Other Crazy Ideas

No, this is not his costume, and we really didn't use photoshop to do this. This is just the kind of crazy I commonly find in my home. While life brings out this kind of craziness in our son, the change in season (perhaps the holiday or moon phases?) brings out a different type of craziness in people all around the world. Reading the paper always points that out

Apparently, yesterday, a fellow Cincinnatian fell to a remarkably low depth. A 21-year-old man helped his cousins steal some kid's Halloween candy.

Nothing like a great role model! (And he is nothing like one!)

What is really amazing is that after they stole the candy, they continued trick-or-treating in the same neighborhood. So, within the evening, the victim pointed the burglars out to the police. Voila! An arrest!

Now this man is facing a felony charge (with a $5000 bail). His lawyer argued that stealing a little bit of candy was hardly cause for a felony. The judge's response was priceless:

"Depends on what kind of candy it is."


I was wondering just how stupid someone would have to be in order to steal candy from a kid, and then to stay in the same neighborhood. Pretty stupid. In fact, I can only think of one other time I have come into contact with this manner of reckless behavior, and I have to wonder, since this happened in Price Hill, if this man is related to a man I lived near in Clifton. It can't be the same man because he's too young. Perhaps its his son.... but either way, it reminded me of a time a long time ago.

It was a nice spring day and as I drank my morning cup of coffee, I sat next to my opened kitchen window. As I sipped, I heard yelling coming from the street. I walked out onto my balcony just in time to see two men arguing.

"Come on!" The first man yelled, "Hit me again! Do it, you know you want to!"

The second man paused, sure it was a trap. Then he looked around, and seeing no set up, walloped the first man in the gut. Man #1 fell to the ground, curled up into the fetal position. He yelled after the second man as he ran off.

"I got you! I sure did! Sure you hit me twice, but that second time, it was in the street, on public property, so now I can tell the police!"

I stood on my porch and pondered the wisdom of that. Deciding there was no wisdom in it, I started back into my apartment. But man #1 saw me and yelled up to me.

"Did you see that!?" Shucks. I did.

"Yes."

"He was mad at me because I never paid last months rent. So, yesterday he told me to leave. I went to work last night and when I came home just now, I found out he burned all my clothes."

I was speechless over this little bit of domestic violence right in my own backyard! Clifton is such an entertaining place to live. I really do miss it.

The man went on.

"So I yelled at him about it and he told me that he burned my clothes 'cause they were supposed to be out of his house by now. I yelled and he yelled, and then he told me to leave. I told him I wouldn't leave because it was my place too. He told me it wasn't my place because I didn't pay any rent. "

"Can you imagine that!" I responded.

"Crazy man!" He replied, " So, he punched me!"

Commiserating with my new friend, I expressed deep moral outrage towards his former roommate. So, he continued his tale. I was glad by then, because this was so good that you can't even make something like this up!

"Well, he did get me, but I knew then what I needed to do! I knew that he could punch me all he wanted in our house, but that if I stepped onto public property and he punched me then the police would come."

"Really?" I was speechless. "Ingenious plan! It looks like he fell for it!"

"He did," the man laughed and then grabbed his side, "I got him."

Suddenly, I heard sirens.

"Police?" I questioned.

"Oh no. That's probably the fire department."

"The fire department?"

"Ya, remember -- he burned my clothes. So, I called the fire department." He smiled triumphantly.

"Yikes, is the house on fire???" I asked, for his house was dangerously close to mine.

"Oh, no, the fire from burning the clothes was out long ago, but I thought the fire department should know about it."

"hhhmmm, well, I better let you go tell your story to the firemen."


"Ya, they'll want to hear all about it, I'm sure."

"Ohh, don't forget to tell them the part about the second punch. It's too important to skip."


At any rate, they did manage to get their situation straightened out, so I'm sure that the 21-year-old who stole candy (on a night where he could get free candy anywhere he wanted) from the little kid will get his straightened out as well.

More Thoughts On Vision Forum (Yes, I Really Will Eventually Drop This)

I think that there are three reasons that I find the products of Vision Forum so very offensive. The three reasons probably should include, but don't, my inability to turn my brain off when I start thinking about something, and my general desire to go against the flow. So, there are really five reasons, but three that are actually justifiable.

1) Inaccurate Portrayal of American History

Honestly, I do love being American! But I also think that honesty is important, and while it's nice and neat to believe that we live in a country that is Christian, or has a "Christian History" it's not right to teach that to our children when it's not the truth. At the point when we start making the myth "christian" we start merging true Christianity with our civic religion of patriotism. There is a lot that is good in our country now, certainly worth defending and certainly worth being proud of, just as there is a lot of the same in our history. I love teaching my children about the underground railroad, D.L. Moody, George Washington Carver, Frederick Douglass, Abraham Lincoln and other such great Americans. But that doesn't mean I don't teach them the facts about Indian annihilation, colonization spoken in the name of God but practiced in the name of profit, or an economy built on the back of a vice (tobacco) and slave labor. It also doesn't justify trying to defend or create a religion for the founding fathers, or downplay the role that the Enlightenment had on the formation of our country. In fact, I think it's important that I teach them about the times that the church has been used as a vehicle to move ideology from the state to the people, and the times that the government has used the church to promote it's own agenda. Two examples that jump to my mind are the idea of manifest destiny and adding "under God" to the pledge of allegiance. Manifest destiny was used to justify the stealing of land all across the nation (often under the guise of 'leading savages' to the Lord), and under God was added to the pledge in the 1950s during the McCarthy era when there was a national panic reaction to communism.

The fact is our country is like many, and there are many countries that would like to be like ours. There are many points on which to take pride, and many upon which to hide our face in shame. But for Christians, the great thing is that it isn't all our lineage -- we can lay claim to the history of Christ and how He worked through both the good and the bad, and we can use all the wonderful freedom we now have to bring His kingdom more places. But we can't do that if we are too busy whitewashing the bad in order to preserve a way of life that was never promised to us by God in the first place. When we do that we're acting in the same manner as the people who justified the crusades.


2) It's wrong to center our families around our children.

I love my kids! But my family is not my god. My role as a wife and mother are also not my first and most important role. The most important role in life is as a servant of Christ -- wherever he calls me to be. At this stage in my life, I serve him by raising my children. I'm thankful for this gift, and know that if I do my job well that down the road I'll be unemployed. But, as a servant of Christ, this is good news. Because then He'll have a different, equally important (probably not as challenging, though) job for me. In addition to that, I know that I have other callings right now. I can pursue those callings as I raise my children and I can train my children for life as I bring them along with those callings.


While I hope that my daughters will marry and produce many cute little grandchildren for me to spoil, I want them to know that we don't know what God will call them to do. Perhaps He will call them to a life of celibacy and they'll live in remote jungles of the world administering medical help to natives. Perhaps they'll travel the world as investigative journalists. Perhaps they'll do all that and then marry and have children. Either way, it's my job to teach them that being a servant of Christ means knowing him, communicating with him and following him wherever he leads. That is a lot messier than telling them, "be a good little wife and bake your cookies".


Vision Forum is a pusher of roles. They are a pusher of formulas. I don't want my children, male or female, to be stuck in a formulaic relationship with God that never amounts to them hearing all the zany things He'll call them to do.

3) I don't think that role playing Dolly Madison will help my children learn to lead other children to Christ.

While I do think that there is a time for training, and we do focus our family on Philippians 4:8, I don't think that has to mean what vision forum thinks it means. (To quote The Princess Bride, "I don't think that word means what you think it means!"). If I dressed my kids up in their happy prairie clothes, sent them outback in their "covered wagons" to play prairie, then I think that there never would have been the opportunities that we have had to tell the other children in our neighborhood about Christ -- some of whom had never even heard his name before.


One of the main focuses we have in raising our kids is teaching them how to be in the world but not of it, or how to relate to those in our culture who don't live as we do. That means we must find things that today's children are interested in, but that don't violate Philippians 4:8. I just don't see the following scene:

"Hi Julie, would you like to put this pretty bow in your hair and play Dolly Madison with me?"

"Uhh..." replied Julie, who's mom it took me 2 years to figure out if she was the mom or dad of the family, "I don't know how a bow could make me like a powdered dough nut...."

"Well, let me tell you who Dolly Madison was. You'll be so interested, and then maybe you'll convince your mom to vote Republican."



Okay, I exaggerate. But, still, I don't see today's children relating to the stuff pandered in Vision Forum's catalogues. Yes, they can be used for creative play to teach history, but, man, do I have spend $200 to do that? My kids, on their own volition and with out any cost to me have:

dug for diamonds in our backyard
made our street into the silk road
snagged large numbers of neighborhood kids into playing out "peter and the wolf"
created an underground railroad in our backyard
made our deck into the Solomon islands

And that is just to name a few. Many times, over the years, they have, on their own and for free, created such great play that the neighborhood kids have just joined in. They have also played Justice League, Pokemon,Lord of the Rings, baseball, basketball and soccer. Is this so bad? They even included the girls when they made their first detective agency! And, over the years I can think of at least 5 or 6 children who got to hear about Jesus because their interest was peaked by what we were doing, and many others whose understanding, I hope, was expanded. I'm not willing to sacrifice that kind of fruit for anyone else's ideas of what my kids should be playing.

We can isolate our children so much from the culture that #1) they don't know how to deal with the culture once they are adults and #2) they don't ever relate to the people in the culture and, therefore, are never burdened to love them.

So, when I see what Vision Forum is pushing, it really breaks my heart because I know that there are hundreds, thousands, of children who will never know the love of Christ because the people who know him are not trying to relate to them.

Okay. Now I'm done.

Nope, Not Dolly Madison, but Some Cute Dollies!

Two cute dollies creatively playing in their thrift-store ballerina dresses. Although I do have a suspicion that they would love a nice tea set.

Deb Takes On Vision Forum -- Gasp, and She's a Home Schooler!!!

At what point did Christianity become something the we allow lawyers and other crafty professionals to pander?

I ask myself that question often. I also ask myself, "When did I miss the national evangelical meeting where we all voted James Dobson our spokesman?" But that's a different story.

I ponder the first question often, because, after seeing how the church works in a couple other cultures, I noticed just how much "stuff" we have that we sell as "christian" here. For instance, take a stroll into your local Christian bookstore (likely violating a Sabbath near you!) and you'll most certainly find the product "testamints". While "testamints" have been useful in providing much humorous fodder in our home, it's hard for me to find much value beyond that.

"I used to be angry towards you," I confessed to my husband one evening, "But since I ate this mint that said, "Do not let the sun go down on your anger" my anger has dissolved, and I'm able to forgive you!"

"Well, that's good, because I just ate one that reminded me that, "Its better to live on the corner of a roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife."

Thank the Lord for those good old Testamints! Always wanting to stay just this side of judgemental, I decided that I should think of ways that Testamints might be used for evangelism. So, I thought and thought. But, here's the rub.... when you give someone a mint, there already is a subtle message involved, and it isn't scriptural.

"Bud, you need to clean up your breath!"

So, I'm not sure that testamints would be the route to go when trying to spread the gospel.

Another issue are all the Christian toys.

I'm fond of the "Press and Praise Phone" offered through many Christian distributors. You press a button and it says things like "Praise God!". I find that weird because our real phone NEVER says that! But I'm sure that this phone was created because all the ones from secular stores must say offensive things like, "Hello!" Our children are very confused because our toy phone answers in Russian and says "Kak Dila" which to them sounds like, "Godzilla" -- and he's an evil monster than might cause our children to reject their faith. It's a wonder our family has survived as long as it has! We need to replace our toy phone, and the sooner the better!


For those of us who find "My Little Pony" offensive, never fear because we can buy our children, "Love Ponies". Love Ponies look exactly like their secular counterparts, but they are just much more moral -- somehow, in some way. There are also smaller versions called Praise Ponies and Faith Ponies. Wow, I bet none of them were made in sweatshops in China! I mean I bet they're all Fair Trade Certified! All this is for not, though, as my oldest daughter finds them offensive because they're pink, lavender and fluffy, and nobody, Christian or not, should do that to something as beautiful as a horse.

One that I got bilked on were the Resurrection Eggs. Believe it or not, many years ago, I paid $15 for a carton of plastic Easter eggs that contained: 1 small rock, a tiny plastic donkey, plastic praying hands, a spear shaped eraser, a small strip of white cloth, nothing (to remind me of the empty tomb!), a small metal crown of thorns, a die, small leather strip, a small 1/2 of a wine cup and nails. We do still use those little icons, but I realized after they arrived in the mail that I could've assembled the same things for well under $5. Especially the "nothing" to remind me of the empty tomb!

But here, it starts getting a little creepy. A large national organization called "Vision Forum" has designed many toys necessary to raising moral children.

If you are so inclined, you can choose to buy for your daughter, for about $40 a dress, costumes to pretend to be Dolly Madison or Nan Harper (from the Titanic) for their creative play time. Or, since they are so liberal, you can avoid the American Girl Dolls and buy your daughter the Liberty Doll, The Abigail Doll, The Evangeline Doll or the Fidelia doll. All 4 can be hers for a mere $250! That way, as you teach her to follow the homeless man from Nazareth she can play in a far morally superior way! Once she's done there, she can follow it up with a tea party on her $55 tea set! She can even use her "child's wooden baking set" to bake some cookies to go with the tea. But, make sure,as they play "upper class American" they always say grace first!

Meanwhile, your boys can be out having fun! They can be a cowboy that spends his days killing Indians with his western six shooter, and have outdoor adventures, solve mysteries and even go to a museum! Heaven forbid we encourage little girls to do those things! Have an adventure, I mean, because, obviously killing Indians is a good thing to do!

Yes, I'm sarcastic about this. In their defense, I've emailed Vision Forum several times and asked them the same question: How can you justify advocating spending so much money on a child's plaything when you profess to follow a man who gave up everything -- didn't even have a pillow on which to lay his head?

They have never responded, of course. They know a curmudgeon when they read one, so I'm sure there is no point.

However, I am left really wondering why so many home schooling parents continue to uncritically buy books, toys (how about the "covered wagon" you can purchase for $200?), and videos from an organization that defines itself by trying to moralize products that are morally neutral or gloss over the immoral acts within our national history? Or, has anybody ever noticed that they only publish stuff by themselves (or friends)? Does anybody notice the lack of the name of Jesus in what they pander??? Am I the only person insane enough to think these thoughts? Don't answer that last question. It was rhetorical.

What people like the vision forum and testamint people want is something formulaic. You do A, you honor God and get B. There is a required set of actions that bring a clear return. In the case of Vision Forum, Family is God. There is but one role for a man and but one role for a woman, and to stray from that is heresy. Our stuff, our freedom and our government all come second to that -- worth protecting even more than the right to lay down our lives for God's callings.

Of course, from a marketing standpoint, they've found the cleanest way to sell their products. My ideas are far too messy to market, which is okay with me.

I happen to think that my, and my children's history, is not a wholly American lineage. As I teach my children history, I try to connect them to their real christian heritage, one which certainly includes select Americans and points in American history, but really encompasses the story of the world and how God has worked through humanity, both good and bad, to redeem what was lost in the Garden of Eden. Vision Forum's concept of American history just doesn't jive with that.

To loosely quote John Steinbeck (somewhere in "Travels with Charley"), "If you're American, you're the descendant of a criminal, a convict or a misfit." So, upon reflection, I guess I need to go and ask my mom some questions about our ancestors.