Grand Theft Jesus -- Thoughts from the Opposite of the Religious Right

I usually read about three books at a time. That way, I can read a book until I'm tired of it, and then switch to a different book until I'm tired of it, and so on and so forth. Right now I'm reading How Much Is Enough? Hungering for God In an Affluent Culture by Arthur Simon, Lust For Life by an author I can't remember, and the book Grand Theft Jesus; The Hijacking of Religion in America by Robert S. McElvaine.

Written in what is supposed to be a humorous voice, Grand Theft Jesus comes off as flippant, immature and incredibly mean-spirited. The jokes, whether tongue-in-cheek or not are simply not funny. There is really no humor in this book, although many a reader has probably inwardly groaned at a horrible attempt at humor. The only real humor in the book is unintentional. His point in writing the book is how unchristlike the religious right really is. Of course, he's just as unchristlike in his attacks and judgements. His real agenda comes through loud and clear towards the beginning of the book when he says that many Christians voted against Jesus when they voted for George Bush.

Am I the only one who gets to incredibly sick and tired of people on both sides of the political spectrum using Jesus to tell me who to vote for?

He shows a fundamental misunderstanding of scripture by the 6th chapter, when he attacks the inerrancy of scripture -- claiming that all the many contradictions in the Bible prove that it's not the infallible Word of God. While there are debatable points to scripture, one of the amazing aspects of it is that a book can be written by so many authors over such a long period of time and NOT contradict itself. He provides two examples for his purpose, showing a real lack of content that is prevalent through out the book. He starts in Genesis.

Yes, there are two different orders to the creation story in Genesis, and no that doesn't mean it's a contradiction. Perhaps the point isn't the order -- perhaps the point is just that, in fact -- the order of the creation is not what the story is about. Certainly, though, this only proves a contradiction for those who take the Bible completely literally. It appears he hasn't done the necessary research to really go beyond the tip of the ice berg with this criticism.

Then he goes on.

"For now, it should be sufficient to note that Jesus disagreed with the notion that there was no "mixture of error" in scripture. In the Sermon on the Mount, he unambiguously revised some of the early regulations of the Hebrew Bible ("You have heard that it was said to the men of old....But I say to you...").

Wow. That shows a total misunderstanding of the old covenant and the new covenant. Jesus consistently pointed out that things were different once He came, not that things were wrong in the old testament scriptures! Honestly, it leads me to believe that McElvaine has never really studied scripture and has no context for any opinions or thoughts that he shares. This only serves to prove the point that this book is not about Jesus, but truly about convincing people to vote democrat.

When he also points out, in Chapter 6, that God is bigger than "one holy book" (or holey book as he quips -- I told you the jokes were terrible), and bigger than one religion, he points out his own contradictions. Though he's trying to pass himself off as someone who follows Christ, apparently perfectly since he's comfortable judging anyone who isn't a member of the democratic party, he finds no problem in blowing off Jesus' statement, "I am the way, the truth and the life, no one comes to the father except through me."

Another thing that I find incredibly annoying with this book is the lack of content. Even worse, McElvaine tries, unsuccessfully, to cover up the lack of content by being extremely repetitive. In that way he's like the leftist version of John Elderidge. If I could edit out every sentence where he says something about how "ChristianityLite" is taking over the country, I'd be reading a 140 page book rather than a 280.

However, all that said, as much as I am disgusted by the attitude and beliefs of the messenger, I agree with a good portion of the message. So, for the next few blog entries, I'm planning on sifting through his junk and studying the nuggets of truth he happens to have stumbled upon.

The Pig Litmus Test

Ive found a great way to judge the daily condition of my heart, and I stumbled on it quite accidentally. Several months ago, I read the story in Matthew chapter 8 where Jesus cast a legion of demons out of man and into a herd of pigs. Many times I've read that story and thought it was so great that Jesus would save that man's life by casting out the demons. There were even times when I read and loved the fact that Jesus sent the demons into swine -- was that a slight jab at demons or materialism?

I've read the story at other times and saw it from the perspective of the people in town. What a display of inexplicable power! They knew that this guy had been absolutely nuts. He even lived in the town cemetery as he was unfit for living around other people. Then, miraculously, he's perfectly normal and the entire herd of swine goes mad and jumps off a cliff. It's no surprise they were scared and even a little understandable how they wanted Jesus to leave town.

However, when I read the story last time, I had an entirely different perspective: I felt sympathy for the owner of the swine.

I thought about how it was great that everybody got to be see this man so miraculously healed, and generations of children since then have loved to read the story of the pigs throwing themselves into the ocean. However, somebody paid the price. Matthew doesn't talk about him, but somebody in that little sea port owned those pigs and that man's healing cost him quite a financial loss.

Yes, this is shallow. Yes, one man is much more valuable than a herd of swine, a mine of gold or the Crown Jewels of Britain. But when I read that story that day, I understood the frustration of the swine's owner. I imagined him, dressed in a nice biblical robe, ready to explode over this tremendous loss, while everyone else was just so happy about the bigger picture.

Then, several days, ago, I read the story again, this time to my children. As I read it and we discussed it, I realized that, once again, I was happy for the man's healing, and fine with the pigs diving into the ocean.

What changed?

I realized that my reaction to the story was based on my heart. Several weeks earlier, I was tired (well, I still am), overwhelmed by several big financial hits (a major plumbing job and car repair at the same time) and stressed with trying to provide all for my kids that I want for them to have. In addition to that I have constantly weighing on my mind that we are not in a home that is easy for two of our daughters to live in. Steps are a part of every aspect of our house, and it makes life much harder for one daughter and really difficult for our youngest. Beyond even all that, a recent visit to our daughter's orthopedist emphasized to us that there are no practical surgical options for her legs at this point. If she's going to walk, it's going to be through therapy in combination with serial casting and a lot of work on our part.

I projected onto the owner of the pigs, exactly what I was feeling. Everyone gets to witness the miracle, and I get to pay for it (through the hard work I do to educate, provide for and deal with the physical aspects of their disabilities -- ie carrying our daughter up and down steps, or waiting while she crawls, sitting her on the toilet because she can't fit her wheelchair in the bathroom, stuff like that -- in addition to the sacrifices we all make for 7 people to live on 1 income).

Since then, the "crisis" has past. So, I'm feeling a lot more balanced about things and when I read the story of the pigs, I can celebrate the healing of such a sick man. I realized that I can use this story as a sort of litmus test for where I am.

Who do I really identify with in the story? Do I identify with the man who was healed? If so, then I understand the amazing gratitude he had for Jesus. Do I identify with the townspeople who asked Jesus to leave? If so, perhaps I'm overwhelmed by his power and misunderstand his purpose. Do I identify with the owner of the pigs? If so, perhaps I'm tired, self-centered and need to pray about my attitude.

I keep thinking that all these healings that are included in the Gospels are about so much more than the healings themselves. Jesus was always very intentional in what He taught, so it would follow that He would be intentional in what He lead the Biblical authors to include.

Proverbs 31 -- You Knew I'd Get To It Some Day

Several weeks ago, a well meaning blog reader of mine told me that I have been too influenced by the world. When I finished laughing about that (consider the fact that I home school my kids, don't drink, don't smoke, don't have cable television, and the only secular radio I listen to is classical wguc 90.9), I had to consider what she said. I'm sure, in part, she was right. I am really influenced by the world. I can't avoid that, but I, like her, am influenced by far more than just the obvious "sins" of the world.

She saw my obvious devotion to the world in the fact that I see Vision Forum as more like a cult than a ministry of Jesus Christ. I see the confusion in understanding just what the "world" is. Is the world the list of sins that our cultural forefathers decided were the worst sins in the world? Or is "the world" any thinking that deviates from the mind of God?

Of course, it's impossible to know the mind of God, so trying to understand Him and his intent is much more difficult than telling people to follow a formulaic set of rules for your life. It's messy and people can easily mess that up. Of course, on the flip side, you see women following "the rules" and then they end up going nuts and drowning their children or something equally grim and horrible. That's pretty messy too. However, if you are in a tight enough church then you can suppress that kind of stuff and it only leaks out every once in a while (in things like finding out your pastor has been visiting male prostitutes for the past 15 years -- incidentally, I was in Ukraine when that story broke. I wondered if I could find a t-shirt that said something like "Yes, I'm an American, and yes, I'm a Christian, but no, I have nothing to do with that guy you've been reading about." Talk about embarrassing on an international level.).

So all of this takes me back to the original thought behind this post, which is Proverbs 31. I think that Proverbs 31 is a passage that has been so taken out of context, and then exalted to a bizarre position of authority and insight.

The first thing I think is interesting is how people choose to interpret scripture the same way they choose to use statistics. The tendency is to make it fit the preconceived notion that you already have. If I'm brutally honest with myself, I approach scripture in the same way. It is very rarely that I actually approach the Bible with a heart that desires to change. Way deep in my motivation, that's there, but my flesh is generally looking for a way to justify my line of thinking because that's just much nicer for me.

So, if I want to be honest in my understanding of Proverbs, I have to first ask myself what the purpose of Proverbs is. I don't think that Proverbs is hard core theology that should be taken literally. If it is, then there have been many nights that my husband should've set up camp on the roof. I also don't think that Proverbs is a book of promises. If you think think it's a book of promises, then how can you explain the number of people who have been "raised in the way that they should go," and then departed from it? Or people who have been wise stewards of their money and then lost everything from someone else's dishonesty? Proverbs is a book of wise sayings, insight into God's wisdom.

Yet, so many Christians have taken Proverbs 31 and taken its literal words with the same authority that Jesus spoke! That makes no sense to me, because to do so would mean having to take everything in the Old Testament as a literal promise or order, and I don't know too many people following all the Levitical laws.

So, then you have women who, literally, define themselves by Proverbs 31. There are even entire ministries that base themselves on it! But, the thing that I find so befuddling is that I can't find any place in the Bible where it says that Proverbs 31 (or any other isolated verse for that matter) is the only scripture to define all of how a women serves the Lord. However, historically, this culture has had one role for women (as a wife), so people interpret it in that light. In other words, Proverbs31 is the defining verse for being a woman.

What you end up with, then, is quite a conundrum.

First of all, if this is what a woman should be and what we should raise our daughters to be, then what do we do with the women who don't marry? What should define them? What about a woman who doesn't marry until she's 45? What about a widow? What about a childless couple?

Next, if we ignore all the problems with believing that a woman should strive to be a Proverbs31 woman, then what does that mean? The Proverbs 31 woman worked. So, should all women work? But I thought that all women should be home makers? Maybe it means a woman should only run a business from her home. Well, what if she doesn't have the skills or talents to do that, but is a great physical therapist or surgeon? Some people, like my blog reader, think that woman should only help out sometimes with the family business. So, where is the line drawn?


I have to wonder if it ever occurs to people that maybe Proverbs 31 is just simply defining what a really neat wife is. Since it's doubtful Solomon wrote it (although with his 300-plus wives, he seems to have been looking for his perfect match), it logical to think that whoever did was simply showing praise for the wife he admired. She certainly does seem to be someone to look up to, aim for as a goal, but not define yourself by.

I take my role as wife and mother quite seriously. Obviously, I do, as the time I have given over to those roles far exceeds anything I've ever given. However, I choose to define myself as a servant of Christ in whom, according to Paul, there is no male or female, gentile or greek.

More on the Bibles

According to Zondervan Publishers, the Average American owns nine Bibles and is actively in the market for more, while the average third-world village does not own a single Bible.



So, why would Zondervan be so concerned with us buying more Bibles -- unless of course it was so we could donate them. In that case wouldn't the $7 Bibles be better so we could donate more?

Hmmm... good question I might say....


Also, Look who now owns beliefnet, a website that is riddled with new age garbage (like Chicken Soup for th Soul) and other spirituality and has a bit of Biblical Christianity mixed in. I think of it as Oprah meets Barney Fife and Tim LaHaye.

Who do we want feeding our spiritual lives?

The B- I - B - L -E! That's the Book for ... Greater Profits?

The original scribes of the Bible may have been inspired by God. Their modern-day successors? They find inspiration in vacuum cleaners, polka-dot bedspreads and a slick, hot-pink Juicy Couture purse.

This all may sound a bit irreverent. But consider it from the Bible publisher's point of view: How do you sell a really old book that 91% of households already have? -- LA Times


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This may sound a bit irreverent, but are these guys nuts?

Apparently, the Bible marketers from Zondervan, have been sitting in what they call their "Bible Bunker" figuring out how to make God's word more marketable. They look at the latest trends in appliances, accessories and such and then transfer those styles into faux leather, and, voila, a new marketable Bible.

It certainly is thrilling to be a Christian in this country.

According to the L.A. Times, it is still possible to buy a standard, plain black Bible for a mere $7, but, then if that's all that people did, where would the Christian publishing industry be? Certainly not at the $770million dollar sales that Zondervan took in last year.

Of course, I'm willing to bet that the same number of people would have Bibles, the profit just wouldn't be so great. However, if your purpose is just to sell as many Bibles as possible, then its not the number of people who own (and read) Bibles that matter, it's the number of Bibles sold. Obviously, we, or perhaps they, are much better off when we buy the $35 stylized Bibles they sell.

The really funny thing is that there are people comparing these guys to Martin Luther and William Tyndale. They are making the Bible more accessible.

WOW! And, I thought that Tyndale and Luther made the Bible more accessible through translation, language and doctrine rather than by adding a snazzy cover or marketing to a niche crowd (like surfers...).

But, these bastions of inclusion, in an effort to make God's word "more accessible" have come up with many new Bibles including, (and no, I'm not kidding about this) a Bible for Sorority Rush. So, as you send your young daughter off to the life of drinking, sex and who-knows-what-else, they can carry a copy of the Bible in their sorority's colors -- but, apparently only if you're a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha.


"There is a line, because it's God's word," VP Scharp (Vice President of Bible Sales for Zondervan) told the LA Times. But then later he confessed, "It's hard to draw the line in any one place and say, 'We're never going to cross that." Apparently so.


The really crazy, or maybe possibly sad/funny or befuddling, thing is that these guys think that it's their marketing that's selling the Bible. It almost appears that they think God's Word would die out if they didn't market it in colors that co-ordinated with Jenni's new outfit or cool enough to be in the arms of a cool band member.

How much would you be willing to bet that the vast majority of Zondervan's sales are to people who already own a Bible? Why would you have to up the ante with some new marketing scheme unless you are selling Bibles to people who don't need another?

Are we really trusting these people with the precious Word of God?

But, in the words of Zondervan's own, I'll close my epistle of foolishness:

"If you put chocolate coating on an Oreo, it's a different cookie, and you ought to be able to charge more," Caminiti argues. "The packaging has to scream that this is something really new: First time! Fudge-dipped! Chocolate-coated!"

Todd Niemeyer, vice president of sales, chuckles and murmurs, "Smoke and mirrors."

Have Faith, It's All In Here and Other Christmas Tidings

Since all of the Christian Christmas Catalogues have arrived, one might think that I am out of blog-fodder until the after Christmas sales.

One would be wrong to think that. I have another venue, one of my favorites for diversifying my thinking: Christian Radio.

I was driving down the street this afternoon, and learned about the latest in Bible Technology. (For further study of new Bibles, see my blog entry: Amish Romance Novels and Other Great Perks When You Become a Christian.)

A company entitled Amazing Faith has produced a micro film, apparently encased in a very sepulchral coverlet, that contains the entire Bible. It is the size of a credit card -- but can only be used for heavenly purchases. I know that was a really bad joke.

Anyway, this handy dandy Bible is totally and completely portable, and almost readable. The caveat to the portability, though, is the need to have a microscope with you.

According to www.amazingfaith.com, "The Itty Bitty Bible™ can be read word for word using a standard compound microscope but... have faith, it's all in there." The Itty Bitty Bible can be yours for a mere $10 (plus shipping and handling).


Now, I'm really not sure what's worse: The concept behind the Itty Bitty Bible, or the sum total of what I heard on the radio today. See, if you want, you can pay the $10 and have an Itty Bitty Bible donated to one of our troops in Iraq. That way they can all carry the word of God with them, even though they can't read it (unless they also carry a microscope).

The DJ did point out the the idea was not to get the troops to actually read the Bible, but just to "have the word of God in their Hands."

Have we really reduced the Word of God to that? Have we really made it some kind of amulet or good-luck trinket? I mean, this DJ didn't even blink at the idea that this might be, well.... a little useless. I don't know about anyone else out there, but I have to say that I can sit and hold a Bible all day, but I unless I read it, it isn't going to do much for me or any other person in my life.


Well, if you're still looking for the perfect gift for someone, my intensive research on the "Itty Bitty Bible" led me to a blog called, "Say What?" where I also learned about a product called "The Green Prosperity Handkerchief". Now, the great thing here is that it's free! You can give your loved ones the gift of prosperity and it won't cost you a cent! According to Don Stewart, creator of the Faith Handkerchief, "Thousands of people around the world have used this Biblical point of contact prayer cloth to receive abundant blessings of financial prosperity."

However, he cautions you should read the instructions before using. That's wise, because using it just might not involve blowing your nose, as you would intuitively think it would. Or perhaps it is only for times when your snot is green like the cloth. You just can't be too careful.

I was thinking, though, that a good service project might be to buy 10,000 of these handkerchiefs and give them out in India. Just enough to really stimulate their economy. Then we can move on to another 3rd world nation. After we wipe out world poverty, then we might want to give some to our government so that we can get rid of the national debt. Anyone out there want to organize that?

This also reminded my husband of a perennial favorite of ours: the Jesus Pan. The face of Jesus is molded right into the pan. Therefore, it shows up on anything you cook in the pan. The add says it all, "Imagine serving heavenly hotcakes at the next church breakfast." I can only imagine.


All this talk of Christmas gifts got me reminiscing of Christmas years past. Last year's Christmas is just a blur to me because we returned from Ukraine only several days before. However, I vividly remember the Christmas before. It was the Christmas that a large family advocacy group launched their campaign to keep Christmas Christmas, rather than just the "holiday season." I watched the campaign with some amusement because I really couldn't believe that someone didn't have any better battles to fight than tying to keep a commercial based holiday associated with a gospel that it has nothing to do with. Boy that was a long and confusing sentence.

Anyway, I got the (what seemed like) thousands of forwarded emails about what stores I was supposed to boycott, and all the forwarded emails about the ones that complied with the family advocacy group's demands. But the most amusing part of it was at the end of the season, when I was forwarded the final letter of that season's campaign.

After being a thorn in the side of many retailers, and getting several of them to change their advertising the family advocacy group decided that Christmas was getting too commercial (no kidding!) and that members should make an effort not to buy so much next Christmas.

So, let me get this straight. You antagonize the retailers about their advertising and merchandise, boycott them, finally negotiate and get what you want, and then you withdraw your support from the them? Wow.

Well, that spirit of Christmas is still alive and well. The other day, my Mom (who most certainly must have realized that she was sending me blog fodder!) sent me a link to a rather disturbing video. Don't worry, it's not obscene (unless you consider getting the song stuck in your head as obscene).

I don't even know where to start with this, except that my first thought was that there was no "gentleness and respect" that Peter calls for in I Peter, unless of course, I misread "jabs and sarcasm" as "gentleness and respect." The song is called, "It's Called Christmas with a Capital C" and appears to be a comeback at the movement to remove Christ from the Christmas celebration. Of course, if we were going to be really honest with ourselves we'd admit that Christ came out of our national celebration of Christmas long ago. I, personally, have spent the past 11 years of parenting trying to make sure Christ is put back into what is really a secular, commercial holiday (albeit a fun one).

The song has one of the "Go Fish" members or someone telling really corny, and, in my opinion, rude jokes. The first one being, "Merry Christmas Mr. Lowenstien!" -- referring to the many years that the standard holiday greeting was "Merry Christmas" despite whom you were talking to. The thing is, did we all say "Merry Christmas" because everyone celebrated Christmas? No, we said "Merry Christmas" to everyone because, I think, we were only mixing with people like us, and, as the dominate block of Americans, only catering to ourselves.

Guess what? Things have changed, and most of us know and interact with people of all beliefs and cultural celebrations. So perhaps saying "Happy Holidays" is simply a way of showing respect?

Another conundrum from the video is how we are supposed to be "taking Christmas back" but then he goes on and on about how "Merry Christmas" was never about a religion but about something cultural. He called it, "something good for us as a nation." Well, there he said it himself! Christmas, on a national level, was never about Christ!


And, while I do believe that Christ intimidates people, but not in the way they sing of, I also know that if someone was telling me that I had to tell everybody, "Happy Ramadan" because that's what people should do, it would tick me off and make me not want to listen.

So, while I'm still trying to figure out who in the world is trying to stop them from saying Merry Christmas, I have to ponder what something like this would teach children -- who are Go Fish's primary audience.


Yes, we have a right to say "Merry Christmas", and, yes, anything that is good in the country is from the influence from Christianity. However, I fail to see why that would mean that I want to force people who aren't Christians to fit into my mold. I think Christ is more concerned with reconciling those people to Him than He is with them saying "Merry Christmas."

So, without further ado.... Happy Holidays!